Narcissist Beach

Been there, done that. She too was in a Narcissistic abusive cocoon.
But before that, she was called the Narcissistic abuser.
It all started well, he supposedly had the right intent- the loving, kind, caring guy he presumed and praised himself to be turned out not to be true. And the funny thing is that she smelled it right from the start.
Intuition never fails, even when someone else pressures you to go against it.
So, she could say she had survived it too. She could criticize him and judge him and believe me, she ended up doing so too. But, she was weary of how she did it. Not because he continuously blamed her for being that which she found out he was, but because she knew there is a Narcissist inside each one of us. So, I guess we could say she was somewhat humble in the way she talked about his Narcissistic side.
For her it was more about getting out of the situation, rather than about criticizing the abuse.

Let us start from the beginning.
Innocent girl, kind and naïve, with no clue about how to function in this world of fools.
Beaten down, bullied in school, she had not even a clue that she had been a victim of abuse.
So, she continued on with life, not understanding or fitting in. Feeling uncomfortable in her own skin.
Years later she realized that…surprise… she had been bullied in school!
Aha, so that’s what it was!
That made sense to her now!

Tired of being stuck in the rut, being taken advantage of, berated and shamed, she went to the Dark side and tried it for other’s sake.
Mind you, she left high school with the award for the best movie “Legally Blonde.” That was how her peers had seen her, unaware of the pain that it inflicted in her.
She was no more a legal innocent than a legal stupid. The world made sure it taught her that. Be good, follow rules, be the nice girl….
And what for?
It doesn’t mean anything after all.

What she learned out of experience was that those who were liers, haters and cheeky got through the line whilst the kinder ones paid their price.  Naughty or nice, cunning or shy, it didn’t count at all in a world where survival always won.
It wasn’t her, as she found out! Being honest, open, vulnerable and innocent was not enough. No one seemed to value any of those behaviours, so why should she abide by them and continuously pay for others’ unlived consequences?  
It was unfortunate that there was no honour, no self-respect, let alone respect for anyone else in this world.

She learned to hate herself for being so damn kind, lovely, pleasant, nice, polite. It’s not like she intentionally meant it either, it simply came from her heart!
So, she unconsciously decided to try the other side and against her soul’s will, she became a total Narcissistic beach.

Let’s stop and mention that at this point in time, her other half changed paths and became the ‘almighty benevolent, nice guy” after years of partying, shaming others and being a natural-born bully.
But she didn’t know that either until she met him and through conversations, things started to finally click.
Her story, his story…it all made perfect sense….
She was experiencing him and he was experiencing her.
Had somebody told her that earlier, she could have probably spared much suffering (both for herself and others) or at least been able to make conscious choices…

But oh, well, life happens, you learn as you live….
Or so they say.
So, there she was, that Narcissistic beach who takes and escapes. She was so terrified of being trapped again, see. She could not allow herself to pay any more consequences for those who irresponsibly shirked their own deeds.

She could see him- the Narcissist. She could feel the Darkness in people’s eyes. She could sense their vibrations and how lies oozed out of their minds. And still, they denied them, calling her names. The ego is cunning and she was made to be insane.

After many years of running around, chasing after nothing. Nothing tangible that is, for in the end, everything she was looking for actually came from within, she met him. A Godly encounter that set them both in The Path. The forces were powerful, but she hadn’t learned. So, she made a big mistake that she paid the price for later on in life.

She managed to escape though, without consequences. Or so she thought….
And then he met the other him. A brave, attractive, amazingly beautiful young, sexy guy.
Broken as Hell, poor lad.

Once again, blinded by her own Darkness she did not follow the Light. She couldn’t see it, no matter how loud her spiritual Guides would shout….

Been there, done that?

I’m sure you have once or twice in your life….otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this right now!
He was one of her biggest lessons and till the day she carries him in her heart. They bonded in another lifetime- abusive, disempowering…. an intense relationship with no sign of unconditional love, but powerful, passionate connection.
She could always see his Light.
Maybe that’s what hooked her into him…the fact that she felt it so far, yet so close to her heart…

She could almost see him recovering, her helping him out.
She had laid herself her own ego trap.
And then, years later, the next relationship began. It was never guns and roses, but it got close to it a few points in time….
He was older, he had known her. They recognized each other, if not humanly, spiritually from many other lifetimes.
She was blazed by his Light….positively at the start.
She put him on a pedestal…until 2020 struck….
If something she learned was…
Be careful with the Light!
Especially the Light that is not emanating from the heart.
The veil she had been carrying, rapidly fell off her eyes and she could see even more clearly even with her eyes closed.
The lies, the attacks, the manipulative acts….
She was utterly unaware of these all the time, blinded by his charisma and charm.
The only thing she had going for her was her intuitive gut. Nothing could take that from her and it happened to be her truest compass.

When years after the relationship had started, her dense veil started to dissolve and she could see through his Dark, she realized he had tricked her but she was aware of it from the start. That funny feeling in her stomach, the manipulative lies, her uncomfortability in being forced to do things so he didn’t accuse her of being a selfish brat…..
Maybe this was the way the Universe was showing her her own Darkness, but what she was sure of was she had enough of that.  

Innocent girl wanted to save sexy, broken man but had to escape before he laid his hands on her. At least that was blatantly obvious, but not so much her Twin Flame’s manipulative acts.
Sexy, broken lad had been such a bad guy, and yet she was so sad that she could see him for Who He Was. She could actually see HIM and she loved that beautiful Light. The Light that emanated from his eyes, the one that she could feel in his heart.
Unfortunate was the fact that he couldn’t share it. He was so broken deep inside.

Maybe this was the way the Universe was showing her her own Light.
To the day she still believes that the fact she could see him utterly scared him and that’s why she had to run away. She didn’t really know it at the time, but she was getting very close to the end of her own life, not by mere choice but by unconscious repetitive behaviour stemming from a past life connection with sexy, broken guy.


And then she met him -her other half.
To the day she cannot understand how someone so brave, so irresponsible, so ashamed could do the things he said she was to blame for…
Oh wait, she did! She did understand! Because she too was that!
Sexy guy had shown her her Light, but to get to it she had to first let go of her abusive ego fight.
Sexy guy was abusive but he was broken deep inside. And she could still sense he had a beautiful heart. Maybe that was him, maybe that was her…who knows?
We are all mirrors of each other’s pain.  


What she eventually figured out was that, that same relationship with sexy, broken guy- the one in which she was the seemingly the nice girl showed her the darkness in her own heart. And this mirrored itself in her latter relationship.
He was the so-called nice guy, poor victim (at least that’s how he presented himself to be), but she had ventured into his Darkness and she loved being that for him.
We truly never know unconditional love until we stare down at Darkness and stop running away from love.

He didn’t think no one could match him. He didn’t think no one would stay.
Only the brave soldiers, the courageous warriors will fight the battle with grace and love and she prided herself for finally having the courage to choose the Light.
She knew it because deep inside she had had to make the choice- what she had once been she no longer wanted to be and she was not going to ever let anyone hold her down again.
 
 
It is easier to attack, blame, criticize and shame. It is easier to call somebody else a name-
“You are Narcissistic, I was abused by one and I can help you get out of Narcissistic abuse too….”
What is not as easy to do is to blame oneself, take wholehearted responsibility for every one of our cells, our past, our lies, our uncomfortable Dark side.
Or is it?
 
If you are ready to hear this, then you might be ready to face your fate.
All you have to do is dig deep within and face your inner depths. Only then can you honestly criticize another and say
I AM THE NARCISSIST.
“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” John 8:7